List.

Spring is here! I like my new 6-year-old class. I love getting off work at 6:00 rather than 7:30. The daylight has changed me. I have so much more energy, I feel like a real human. My entire life is no longer consumed by only one task. All that gained from only an hour and a half per day.

Most of you know that Derek broke his heels. That was really, really scary. It gave me a lot of perspective on safety and on community. I'm so glad we were there, and the people at the climbing gym were so supportive and helpful. I realized that I don't want to be alone. If something scary happened to Stephen or me, it would be so helpful and comforting to be there for each other. And that would be enough. But so so so much more is added by a community. A group of loving people to do what they can to support you. And as far as safety goes--I'm a little bit of a scaredy cat on the tall walls now. I don't feel invincible. At first I had to trick myself into feeling invincible because it was the only way to overcome my fear of heights. But that wasn't rational, obviously. Now I'm confronting the reality that I don't sufficiently understand how to be safe. Not well enough to be climbing 18-meter walls. So I'm taking some steps backwards. Trying to take controlled falls to get my muscles and my mind comfortable responding to a fall. It might be a while before I ascend the entire wall again, but when it happens I'm going to be ready for it, and I'm going to understand it, and it's going to be really, really good. And safe.

And while I'm in a reflective mood, I think I'll make a list of opinions I've formed, or things I think I've learned in the last year. I remember having this feeling that I wasn't *really* traveling, or doing anything exciting, because all I do from day to day is work, eat and sleep. But it has been a really big year.

1. I will always compost my food trash. But in addition to that, I will keep the food trash in the freezer until time to compost. No smell, no bugs, no juice. It's brilliant. Lindsay and Andy Patton--geniuses.

2. When I'm a mom, I want to give my kids a lot of independence. They really seem to thrive on it, and develop maturity and discipline and a conscience really early.

3. Being different is so much more embarrassing than being naked. When Stephen and I went swimming the other day, I wanted to sit in the hot tub, which is in a separate room that's not co-ed because it resembles the traditional Korean bath house, which is just traditionally not co-ed because you're naked...because. That's how they do it. No one thinks it's weird, because they've been doing it for centuries. What they DO think is weird, is when some nervous-looking white girl wanders in wearing a swimsuit. I was so embarrassed about my lack of nudity. I'm still kind of sorting this out in my mind, but the bath-house area is soooo so so nice, and I want to go back, and I'm going to. (I think.)

4. I want to climb for the rest of my life. Derek and Ashley took us to the climbing gym and taught us how to climb, and it's the best thing that's happened in Korea. I'm really grateful to them, because I just can't imagine how anything else in our lives would have led us to this. Yesterday I was thinking about how Stephen and I don't have a lot of shared passions. He always wants me to figure out how to play music with him and I'm often just not that excited about it, and sometimes I ramble on about things I'm excited about that he's just not interested in. (But he's a good listener. Sometimes. Way more often than I am a good student of singing and playing the cajon. Oh my God, the cajon. I never thought I'd be in a situation in life where I'm trying to learn how to play a drum box. I can actually play a couple of rhythms! But not exactly *with* rhythym.) Anyway, all of that just to say we have this thing we can work on and get joy from on the exact same level. I'm not doing it just to amuse him and he's not doing it just to amuse me. We are sort of growing this passion at the same time, both individually and together. Stephen is really good at it, and I'm not nearly as good. But I have this confidence about it, I'm not really sure how to explain it. Because I've never been confident about anything in my life that involved physical skill. I just know that I'm going to keep working at it, and I'm going to get a lot better, and the gap in talent and even in strength that is currently between us is going to get smaller. For me, this is a really good way to stay motivated and encouraged. Oh. My. Gosh. This part of my life is so, so good.

5. I'm more confident. I don't know if that's something you learn--how to be confident? But I guess you could say I've developed confidence. I think I used to be really shaky about my beliefs and how to communicate, when to let people know that I'm serious, or that my sense of justice is appealing to me and needs to be acted on or just communicated. And it's not even just that. I'm confident in social situations. I'm still awkward, but I feel like I used to be really painfully awkward. I'm standing a little taller, I just feel generally more sure of myself. Ironically, I'm not confident that I'm expressing myself super well right now. But whatever this thing is that I've felt change in the last year...it's not because I've "figured out" how to live in a foreign country. Because I haven't--we are children here. There is very little we can accomplish for ourselves. Successfully asking for directions is a huge victory (actually, I've never done that. Stephen does that.), and I often find myself walking out of a store with my head down because I don't know how to ask for the exceedingly simple thing I'm searching for, and I've been reduced to failed charades. I think it comes from teaching. If you're teaching a group of 12 unruly little kids who have so much energy, and who want to learn, and who need so much guidance...then you just have to learn how to be a leader. I was forced to develop some kind of posture, to put some kind of unwavering tone in my voice that it demands to be listened to. So that kids hopefully feel good listening to it. I try to do this in a way that's gentle and graceful, and I fail at it all the time. But what a thing to be TRYING to do. It has changed me.


6. These proverbs-- "When words are many, transgression is not lacking" and "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge" --I think about these proverbs all the time. Because I'm always talking. I'm always giving advice when I'm not asked for it. Even though I'm always thinking about these proverbs, I'm still always giving my opinion and asserting truths that I probably need to think about a lot more. I don't think people thrive on advice. I think people need space and encouragement to grow. If I think I have some kind of advice to give, I should just live out that advice. If it really is a sound, effective notion, people will see it. And they can take it if they want to. This seems really good to me. But I just love to hear myself talk. So it's hard to stop. I'm trying. I think.

7. I love Korea. But it's not home. Stephen and I went through a period where we imagined staying in Korea and raising a family here. It's such a safe place. Healthcare is affordable. There is work for us. The master or instructor or whatever you call him (We call him Sabonim, which is like master-teacher or something in Korean) at the climbing gym asked Stephen how long we will be in Korea. Stephen said we will go home in one year, and he responded in his really slow, deliberate English, "I wish you stay a long time in Korea." Which is so kind in such a powerful way. He's such a sincere man, and so are so many of the people at the gym. And it makes me want to live here forever. Stronger than this, though, is the feeling that my family is in the States. So I'm a guest here. And it's going to be really good to go back.
Also, Anna Maltby is getting married next year. There's no way I'm missing that.


I'm always looking ahead. Now that we've started the new contract, we have the new classes, I'm thinking about the next thing. I think Stephen called our homecoming the Varner Victory Tour. Haha! Right now the plan is in its infancy. We think it will take a month and a half. It has two purposes: Seeing the people we love, and reaching the home-destination: North Carolina.

The Jenkinses are selling us their car. It has great gas mileage, we can afford it, and it's a manual. Perfect.

So we will fly into Redmond upon completion of our contract, and visit my grandparents. Then we will fly to L.A. and see Tish. And then we will take a day to bike from L.A. to Irvine, to stay with Mychel. We considered biking from Redmond to L.A. but that's like 800 miles, and I'm just not that much of a badass. From Irvine, we will go to Rob and Abi in Avondale, Arizona. They will have the car, so we can strap the bikes onto them and make our way up to Springfield to see my mom and dad, then Kansas City to see the Varners. Then Columbia. And then Durham, North Carolina, where we hope to be greeted by Jared, Anna, an affordable apartment, and a welcoming job market. I'm totally counting on the first two :)

Until then, it's more Mother Goose songs, soju, climbing, and enjoying being close to the Jenkinses. Derek's heels will be healed (I can't believe I haven't made a pun about that yet) in a few weeks, and hopefully there are camping, climbing, hiking, and rafting adventures in store for us.

Saying Goodbye to the Sealions

In the states, students have so much time to adjust to the idea of being a grade higher. Three months to look forward to a new teacher and new classmates. Koreans aren't really into the whole summer vacation thing, so moving up a grade just kind of happens unceremoniously. The 2010 school year ended yesterday. And the new school year begins...tomorrow!

So, here's a look at the last few days with the Sealions, and a few scattered from throughout the school year.

I might miss Angela the most. She was new in second semester, and I had a difficult time with her at first. But we bonded a lot over the last couple of months, and I think the other kids were starting to notice my favoritism.

Angela was always pulling my hair into pigtails like this, and then she would smile really big and silly and say, "PRETTY!"

Oh man, and Tiana. Also a second-semester newbie, I fell in love with her, too. Tiana is such a little baby. She just wants to snuggle and play and be tickled and turned upside down. Not so much interested in her Phonics workbook. For the first couple of months that I taught Tiana she refused to speak. She worked up to what Ashley perfectly described as a "fairy-troll" voice--I have no idea how to try to make that make sense to you. But after a lot of coaxing and tickling and teasing, working her up to a clear, audible squeally voice was an exceedingly difficult but immensely rewarding challenge.

And look how they love each other! :) This was their graduation day, so they got diplomas and presents. It was very exciting. They even sang a couple of songs in front of the other classes.

Dana (left) and Jasmine (right) being fake-grumpy. Dana is moving to Cambodia where her daddy works, so I'll never see her again. That really, really bums me out. That little girl brought me so much joy in the last year. She just loved, loved, loved coming to school and playing games and reading books. Still, I'm really happy for her family. They've spent the last year living apart, which I think was pretty hard on Dana. I think Jasmine is going to miss her a lot too. They were pretty inseparable. Jasmine is going to be in Stephen's class for kindergarten! He's so lucky.

I don't know why I was taking pictures of them washing their hands.

Chocolate-face Helen! She's going to be in Derek's class. He's soooooo lucky. She's amazing and perfect. Jeez. I had such a good class.

Girls! Dana, Jasmine, Alice, Angela, Tiana, Sophie.

Stephen gets to take this little guy too. Jason and I went through a lot together this year. Him trying to figure out how to have a good attitude...me trying to figure out how to deal with him...We made each other cry a few times, but he was still one of my favorites. He's climbing my legs here like a little monkey.
Running around the classroom as fast as they can in a train...losing and tripping over shoes, falling, getting trampled...They love it.

Jasmine! Sooo little and cute! This is from several months ago. I can't believe how much these kids grew.

Aw. Bye Dana :(

Goodbye Sealions!

Morning Musings

I want this to be a Xanga post so I can tell the blogworld what I'm currently listening to and an album picture icon will pop up when I hit "post."

Anyway, I'm listening to Talkie Walkie. This is the best "I'm up early and I had time to heat up milk to put in my coffee and I'm just going to stare at my apartment for an hour before even have to think about getting ready for work" music.

I'm excited about today because I don't have to work tomorrow, Thursday, or Friday. This week is 설 날, or Seoulnal, which is impossible to pronounce. My six year old students make fun of me when I try to say it. We westerners call it Lunar New Year, but I've read that that's not a very good translation. It's not really a lunar anything. And how would you determine the new year by looking at the moon? Anyway, I'm way out of my realm of understanding, but I definitely don't have to work for the rest of this week. So. Yay!

Also we (the Jenkins/Varner team) are going to the climbing gym right after work. This is the best thing we've started since coming to Korea. Ashley has been a climber for a long time; she and Derek found this place and they've been teaching us how to climb. It feels really, really good to be using my muscles and creative problem-solving skills. It's slow-going, but I feel great.

Also it has given us the chance to meet people. Most of the people there can't speak English well, and we really can't speak Korean, so we are forming friendships based on charades and awkward giggling (I think I do most of the giggling). Sometimes, as you can imagine, it's really awkward. Last week Ashley and I were resting by the heater (it's cold in the gym, and most Korean places don't have central heating. This place has a giant, portable gas heater) and we were just sort of talking together, when suddenly this man approached me and..not really forcefully, but in an on-a-mission kind of way, he led me to the bathroom and started really emphatically showing me the faucet. And he kept turning the handle to hot water, and saying "hot water!" and then to cold water, saying "cold water!" This went on for so long! I was thinking maybe there was something on my face...And I sort of looked... But there wasn't... And I was so puzzled and worried. Finally he left, and I sort of stood there for a moment. I checked my face again and decided that it was okay for me to leave too, so I found Ashley and we just puzzled and puzzled about what just happened.

Finally Ashley realized that we had been examining our hands right before this encounter. We were just looking at callouses and comparing general redness. And he probably thought we were saying "Ewww! Our hands are so dirty!" Ha ha! So I timidly approached him and tried to let him know that I understood and I was thankful.

My little six-year-olds are graduating from pre-kindergarten in three weeks. OMIGOD! I can't believe the little kiddos are all grown up! They are going to be in kindergarten soon. I'm going to be such a stinking crier.

I'm excited about my new class though. I've learned a lot this year, and I'm going to be able to apply all of that to a fresh new class. Hopefully I'll be a much better teacher, and at least I'll be prepared for the behavior problems that completely baffled and almost destroyed me a year ago. Plus, my little Sealions are getting too heavy to pick up. They will have more fun playing with Mr. Stephen. He's stronger :)

Snow.

Today it snowed. Like, the magical, beautiful kind. It was the third time I've seen this kind of snow in Korea.

Generally I've had a pretty bad attitude about winter here. We came here almost exactly a year ago (February 16th is our Koreanniversary), and I remember being so angry in the March, April, and May months because the cold just kept NOT getting warmer. So it's been really, really cold, and I've been counting down the months.

But today Stephen and I were walking to get dinner and I was really enjoying the crunchy fresh snow feel against my super-durable yellow rainboots, and I thought...I am going to miss this time. I'm going to miss the place, definitely the food, my students, the daily conveniences we enjoy here. And I'm happy. I'm really happy, even though it's so unreasonably cold.

But I keep looking forward to the future. Always logging onto my student loan account and re-calculating and re-calculating the amount of time until I'm debt-free. Always crossing the days off on my calendar, yearning for the weekend or vacation or payday or lately the end of our contract, which means a bonus and the beginning of the new, shorter-hours contract. And when that starts, I guess I'll be counting down the days until we go home because there will be a "counting-down-the-days" void to fill.

And speaking of which, that's the plan*. Going home after the next contract. And that's been the big topic of conversation for us. For a while we thought we'd stay three years, maybe even longer. But two years is long enough. No matter how much we like it here, and no matter how easy it is for us to live and work here, this place is not home. And we can't make it our home. Which is sad in some ways. Because we really, really love it here. It's a special place.

Currently I have this fuzzy picture of what going "home" looks like, and I can't really make it out. I have this image of myself sort of cowering with my bachelor's degree in the scary American job market. The principal reason we want to go back is to be close to the people that we love. But all of those people are so spread out. So where do we plant ourselves? And what will we do to sustain ourselves? It's all really, really up in the air. It's scary. It makes me feel small.

So, friends and family: What are your long term goals? Where will you be in a year? Five years? Does anyone know?

Where should we go?

*Stephen wants me to point out that it's a year away and we can't be 100% certain that going home is what's in store for us. So going home after this contract is what we've decided, at least at this point, is what we both want. Ultimately, as with all things in the future...we'll see.

Vacation

I'm sitting on the last day of winter vacation right now. We had talked many months ago about all the opportunities this 10-solid-days-of-no-work would give us. We could go to Cambodia! Thailand! Bali!

...But when I started really counting down the days until Christmas, it wasn't because I wanted travel and excitement. It was because I wanted rest. Lots of it. Sleeping, taking my time with every task, eating a lot, and talking to family.

I'm really glad I've been doing those things.

We had a good, laid back little Christmas. Christmas Eve was our last day of work, and Stephen and I had a little fried chicken party with our fifth grade class (a class we co-teach). It was really silly and fun. Poly wouldn't let us take them out, so we had to order chicken to the school and hang out in one of the classrooms. So we played Korean music and played games and ate junk food with four of our favorite students after-hours at school.

By the way, I recommend this game: It's a variation on hide-and-seek, where the person who is "it" has to keep his eyes closed the whole time. If you're not "it," you find a place to stand in the room where you think whoever is "it" won't run into you. After he counts to twenty, he has to sort of zombie-like wander around the room trying to "find" someone. And he's the only one who is allowed to move his feet. The people who are "hiding" can sort of bend their bodies, but they're not allowed to move their feet. Also, they sort of help each other out. At one point, Soomin was "it" and she was getting really super close to finding me, and then Dong-gul, who was at the other end of the room shouted "SUPERMAN!" to distract her.

Also, if you're in the fifth grade, this is how you play drinking games: You mix milk, Pepsi, mountain dew, and mustard, and everyone eggs you on to drink it, clapping and yelling, "ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT!" (much like the older Koreans do when they mix beer and soju) I vaguely remember doing this sort of thing when I was in elementary school, so it made me pretty nostalgic.

November and December were easily the worst months ever working at Poly. Walking home after this little party was surreal and cathartic. All of the chaos and stress of the last two months are over? And we don't have to go to work for a week? I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to drink, I just wanted to sit at home and revel in it. So that's what we did. (Well, I think I had a glass of wine.) And then I fell asleep.

We took a few little day trips into Seoul. Here's the boys searching the map in the middle of a crowded street, all lost-tourist style:

We weren't really helping. Just giggling and taking pictures :)

We found this little magical Santa land! I think Derek fits right in!

And this is the best Christmas decoration I've ever seen in my life:

Pretty cool, yeah? Check out what it's made of:

Yes!! Sustainable Christmas. Thanks, Lotte Mart! :-D

New Years was as low-key as Christmas. We had dinner, watched a movie, and went to sleep. This was nice. I said before that we really just wanted to have a restful vacation. Still, I couldn't decide if it was an overall satisfying holiday-time. As nice as it has been, there was a relative lack of excitement...No family get-togethers, no dance parties, no turkey. Was there a void? I don't know.

I was sort of thinking about this on New Years Day. It was early afternoon, and we were trying to clean the place and start preparing for a dinner party with the Jenkinses and my co-teacher. At 2:30 in the afternoon, Rob called us on Skype to let us join his New Years Party. He took us around the loud, music-filled house, where we got to say hello to lots of familiar smiling faces. 3pm our time was midnight their time, so we poured some soju, did the count-down, and brought in the New Year with folks halfway across the world, Korean-style. This was excitement enough, I think.

Happy New Year! We love and miss you all.

digital love

Thank you Derek for making us this great video!! And thank you Tim, for taking the pictures. We have really wonderful, talented friends.

And another wedding-related tidbit: My Christmas present to myself...

It's way too cold to wear this now, which is another reason for me to be really, really excited for spring.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! ^^

Another day at the office